So, I got a piece of mail from the Campaign for Liberty today. The envelope was a warm, glowing gold and on the bottom right was the "Don't Tread on Me" serpent in all its defiant splendor. The sense of longing and loss was, in a minor way, not unlike the feeling I had shortly after a close friend of mine passed away.
I feel cut off from a part of me. I'm not sure what to do without it. Maybe I'm just being stupid with all this talk of giving up on politics. I don't know how extreme I need to be with myself. Would reading the mail be a big deal at all? Well, the primary aim of the contents inside will be to get me angry and riled up.
I just can't open it.
*sigh*
For now, the mail will just sit on my dresser like a memorial because I find myself unable to throw it away. I already got rid of a small, upside down American flag that was hanging over my television.
I miss it.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
So Shall It Be
"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ living in me" -- Paul the Apostle
I'm almost ready to do it.
It simply continues to become more and more plain to me that I should really let go of my self-appointed political identity. To wave goodbye to the extensive study and theory of government, anarchy and every human concept inbetween. It's not that those things aren't important. I simply wish to leave them to men and women more capable of studying them, explaining them and fighting for more just versions of them without it choking out the light of God within them.
For that is what happens. Inseperable from my emotional reaction to the dominance of government are my deepest neuroses. My sense of woundedness from a cold, loveless relationship with my father who was supposed to be the picture of proper authority. I never knew a human authority that was coupled with love. I never knew a human authority that respected or embraced my identity. I never knew a human authority that called me out of myself in order that I might become a better version of me. So, all authority is seen by me as arbitrary and lacking in any benefit to me and, therefore, to be resisted. I am hesitant to continue in the psycho-babble discussion of my parents but there are issues with my mother that play in to this. To go into detail might be silly at this juncture but, to put it briefly, my relationship with my mother is marred by an embittering sense of belittlement. Things she did in my formative years, out of a genuine concern for me, were I believe based on a mistaken belief of helplessness and incompetence on my part. To a partial extent, I hold the "authorities" of public education responsible for instilling in her that perception of me. I was forever reminded, in countless ways, that I was a fool from K-12. I carry the legacy of the resulting experiences still along with such heavy bitterness and self-doubt. This is why I take such personal offense when politicians speak of the public good, envisioning laws to protect me from myself, telling me that I can't be trusted with the gift of self-determination, that I must be coddled like an infant. I have spent the last few years tossing pile upon pile of this lumber on the fire that has been burning away my love for people...for the world.
In short; politics turns me cold.
Many of you may see this as transient. You'll dismiss this as a phase that I'll violently come out of the moment anyone in my presence makes a foolish political statement. I pray that you're wrong. Some of you just won't understand it. There may be a select few of you that will lament the passing of my intense political conversation but rest assured that I am not shutting my mind off. Anyone I have had the pleasure of exploring the depths of current affairs or political theory with I have found to be just as enthusiastic about exploring other topics of curiosity.
Most of all I just pray that you take my choice to deal with the world in a new way seriously. No other person encouraged me to do this. My girlfriend has expressed a desire for me to be less argumentative or beligerent in the expression of my political persuasion but never asked me to stop pursuing the topic. The sad fact is that I probably can never cease in my beligerence unless I sacrifice the parts of me that make me beligerent. Noone reinforced the notion of letting go upon hearing me express a burgeoning desire to let go. Noone but me and God fully understand the toll this takes on me. So, I haven't been convinced by anyone's persuasive argument to wave goodbye to this stronghold on my soul....but only by the still, small voice within me that has been pleading for it though I have, until now, brushed it aside.
I have been faithfully carrying out what some would term a "quiet time" with God every morning for the last few days now. It isn't a chore anymore and, strangely enough, I find myself wishing it was tomorrow morning already. Things have been shown to me in those times that I am not ready to put into words at the moment, maybe I never will be. But in those morning moments, in the simple act of meditating on the things of God, he has faithfully met me each day with something to say. Though when I say "say" I'm not sure that it is something spoken from God to me in the same sense that God gives a message to a prophet but in the sense that I find my mind connecting with certain truths, though I understand them only in part, that God has put in the very heart of humanity. Suddenly, somehow, the Bible is much more powerful to me when I read it and the words of Christ, even when I don't fully comprehend them, affect me like music.
Love is what's important I think. Justice is important too. And love for people manifests a desire to see justice. I find, though, that when I put my faith in a political idea or the hopes of a political revolution, for me the desire for justice becomes tainted by things that are far removed from love, I am acting out of deep resentments.
A desire for justice can still be an important part of my life; may it always be so. But it will have to be about love from now on.
So shall it be.
I'm almost ready to do it.
It simply continues to become more and more plain to me that I should really let go of my self-appointed political identity. To wave goodbye to the extensive study and theory of government, anarchy and every human concept inbetween. It's not that those things aren't important. I simply wish to leave them to men and women more capable of studying them, explaining them and fighting for more just versions of them without it choking out the light of God within them.
For that is what happens. Inseperable from my emotional reaction to the dominance of government are my deepest neuroses. My sense of woundedness from a cold, loveless relationship with my father who was supposed to be the picture of proper authority. I never knew a human authority that was coupled with love. I never knew a human authority that respected or embraced my identity. I never knew a human authority that called me out of myself in order that I might become a better version of me. So, all authority is seen by me as arbitrary and lacking in any benefit to me and, therefore, to be resisted. I am hesitant to continue in the psycho-babble discussion of my parents but there are issues with my mother that play in to this. To go into detail might be silly at this juncture but, to put it briefly, my relationship with my mother is marred by an embittering sense of belittlement. Things she did in my formative years, out of a genuine concern for me, were I believe based on a mistaken belief of helplessness and incompetence on my part. To a partial extent, I hold the "authorities" of public education responsible for instilling in her that perception of me. I was forever reminded, in countless ways, that I was a fool from K-12. I carry the legacy of the resulting experiences still along with such heavy bitterness and self-doubt. This is why I take such personal offense when politicians speak of the public good, envisioning laws to protect me from myself, telling me that I can't be trusted with the gift of self-determination, that I must be coddled like an infant. I have spent the last few years tossing pile upon pile of this lumber on the fire that has been burning away my love for people...for the world.
In short; politics turns me cold.
Many of you may see this as transient. You'll dismiss this as a phase that I'll violently come out of the moment anyone in my presence makes a foolish political statement. I pray that you're wrong. Some of you just won't understand it. There may be a select few of you that will lament the passing of my intense political conversation but rest assured that I am not shutting my mind off. Anyone I have had the pleasure of exploring the depths of current affairs or political theory with I have found to be just as enthusiastic about exploring other topics of curiosity.
Most of all I just pray that you take my choice to deal with the world in a new way seriously. No other person encouraged me to do this. My girlfriend has expressed a desire for me to be less argumentative or beligerent in the expression of my political persuasion but never asked me to stop pursuing the topic. The sad fact is that I probably can never cease in my beligerence unless I sacrifice the parts of me that make me beligerent. Noone reinforced the notion of letting go upon hearing me express a burgeoning desire to let go. Noone but me and God fully understand the toll this takes on me. So, I haven't been convinced by anyone's persuasive argument to wave goodbye to this stronghold on my soul....but only by the still, small voice within me that has been pleading for it though I have, until now, brushed it aside.
I have been faithfully carrying out what some would term a "quiet time" with God every morning for the last few days now. It isn't a chore anymore and, strangely enough, I find myself wishing it was tomorrow morning already. Things have been shown to me in those times that I am not ready to put into words at the moment, maybe I never will be. But in those morning moments, in the simple act of meditating on the things of God, he has faithfully met me each day with something to say. Though when I say "say" I'm not sure that it is something spoken from God to me in the same sense that God gives a message to a prophet but in the sense that I find my mind connecting with certain truths, though I understand them only in part, that God has put in the very heart of humanity. Suddenly, somehow, the Bible is much more powerful to me when I read it and the words of Christ, even when I don't fully comprehend them, affect me like music.
Love is what's important I think. Justice is important too. And love for people manifests a desire to see justice. I find, though, that when I put my faith in a political idea or the hopes of a political revolution, for me the desire for justice becomes tainted by things that are far removed from love, I am acting out of deep resentments.
A desire for justice can still be an important part of my life; may it always be so. But it will have to be about love from now on.
So shall it be.
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